Today, I found out that an ex-girlfriend of mine is
getting married. Or, so it appears. Sarah Modr and I first met in Spanish class at the University of Massachusetts during the summer of 2006. I was wildly depressed and going through a horrible breakup with my long-time girlfriend Aprill Aronie. I remember not even wanting to talk to anyone when we had to introduce ourselves to the class. I couldn't even eat any more, and most nights were spent alone in my cramped studio apartment in Amherst, MA. I was living off of a bag of organic baby carrots a day. That's all I was eating, and when I met up with my long-time friend Alison in New York that summer, she told me that I looked "too thin". I was sleeping around indiscriminately to thwart my depression, and at one point I even had five or six simultaneous lovers. It was a train wreck.
But I began to notice this girl in my class with green converse sneakers. She was beautiful and sassy. She sat next to another guy and they always worked on projects together. I thought they were together. That was until we started talking more often, and I began to realize we shared many similar interests. After hanging during class breaks a few times, I invited her to see the new Al Gore movie on global warming with some friends.
We went to the movie and had a great time. It was really when things began to turn around for me. I remember our first kiss on her couch after watching a movie. I remember drinking red wine from the bottle while watching a double-feature film at the drive-in. I remember camping by the lake somewhere far out of town. I remember staying at her father's cabin and taking walks in the woods. I remember listening to Death Cab for Cutie over and over and over again. I remember swimming with her in a quiet lake away from everyone else, alone, peacefully. I remember the way everyone stared at her when we went out together. I remember her bright smile and quirky laugh. I remember playing guitar and singing songs in her bedroom late at night. I remember when we went to see Neil Young together with Goutham, and we got a speeding ticket on the way home just a few miles from Amherst. I remember everything.
And when my ex-girlfriend Aprill found out about Sarah, she wouldn't shut up about it. My ex would tell me she wanted to work things out between us. Deep inside, I think I really wanted to salvage that relationship, but Sarah was a good thing. I regret ever trying to work things out with Aprill. It was a lost cause and our relationship was too damaged to fix.
I don't know what happened to me that summer. Perhaps I was blinded by new love. I am not sure. All I do know is that Sarah and I had a lot of fun together. I really fucked that up and I think back on it quite often. She was the one that got away. And I still remember a couple lines from Death Cab's album Plans that conjure up images from that summer. That album will forever remind me of her beautiful smile and sweet nature.
Summer Skin
"""
Squeaky swings and tall grass
The longest shadows ever cast
The water's warm and children swim
And we frolicked about in our summer skin
I don't recall a single care
Just greenery and humid air
Then Labor day came and went
And we shed what was left of our summer skin
On the night you left I came over
And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
Our brand new coats so flushed and pink
And I knew your heart I couldn't win
Cause the season's change was a conduit
And we'd left our love in our summer skin
"""
What Sarah Said
"""
Cause there’s no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes ‘round and everyone lift their heads
But I’m thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die
So who’s gonna watch you die?
"""
